Sky Rockets in Flight

4th of July stream of consciousness mantra 

[to be read aloud to your cats when they get spooked by the fireworks and jump in the carton of ice cream you are consuming, alone]

Today we celebrate freedom.

We have lots of freedom, but not the freedom to infringe upon the freedom of others. That means you can't make a man love you against his will. Voodoo is unethical -- and un-American -- and restraining orders are obtainable, even on holidays in extreme circumstances.

But back to freedom...

Let freedom ring!!!

[sob, sob]

You see? You see? That's why I hate holidays!


They all conspire against single women.

"Let freedom Ring."

Ring?

Why couldn't they choose a different word?!! Yet another cruel holiday. Reminding me of my empty ring finger and the freedom I have... to be alone.

At least I don't have to share this ice cream.

What are you looking at, Whiskers? You know dairy gives you gas, and since you are going to be the only one in bed with me tonight, I must....

This is sad. Perhaps there are better 4th of July traditions we can focus on -- other than letting freedom... clang.

How about fireworks?

Well, shoot!

Not only was there no Afternoon Delight for me, but I get to spend the night in bed with a lactose-intolerant cat who has been double-dipping in my coping mechanism.

Valentines for the Busy Multitasker

Okay, gentlemen. Here's a pretty valentine that serves double-duty:

Print two copies.

Kill two birds with one stone: your sweetheart and your mistress.

(It's a figure of speech, folks. I'm not saying to murder anyone! That's not what this upcoming holiday is about... wait a minute, St. Valentine was beheaded, so perhaps I should rephrase this a bit: While that IS what this holiday is about, we don't talk about such things in our highly evolved society. Instead, we mass-produce drivel and tell everyone, "Love you! xoxo...")

All drivel, however, is not created equal.

This Valentine is better than most because it goes beyond the usual sappy puns and employs a more complex (and honest) drama--a heart-wrenching love triangle!

SHE WITH THE BLUE SASH

(feigning strength)

Winthrop, Winthrop! Look at me Winthrop! 

You say I'm your true Valentine, yet I see you 

gaze with deliberate intent upon the bustle 

of that golden gowned wench!

WINTHROP

Don't doubt my love just because I'm... 

(with groping eyes)

Wow! What was I saying? 

SHE WITH THE BLUE SASH

Winthrop!

WINTHROP

Cupid made me do it! 

I cannot go on. This seemingly innocent holiday greeting is drudging up too many issues for me...

What I Learned About Relationships from the Movies: The Theory of EVERYTHING

The Theory of Everything was a bit of a disappointment because it didn't really offer a theory for anything. 

I was hoping it would shed some light on why people who are falling in love always spin around in circles in grassy fields, precariously close to sheer cliffs, bodies of water, or rapidly advancing volcanic lava flows. 

I know the answer, of course, but I did want to see what a movie, claiming to be about the theory of EVERYTHING, might have to say about it -- especially since one of those holding-hands-and-spinning scenes was featured in the trailer. 

In the end, sometimes the best parts are spinning around in the trailer. 

My advice? 

Watch the trailer, then save your movie money for my book, which will at least include the theory of something.