Matchmakers and Health Coverage

Dear Nona,

I need to start dating, but with work and the demands of surviving as a single, I have no time. Help!

(And please don't tell me to join a dating website. Who has time, or the stomach, to sort through all the... well, you know)

Dying Alone, 

Miss Anonymous 

Dear Dying for Coverage,

Unfortunately, I do know. I can't tell you how many pleas for help I receive exactly like yours! It's an epidemic.

It all comes down to public policy.

If we are to have truly female-friendly comprehensive health plans, specialists who provide Matchmaking services need to be covered! The only reason they aren't is that we have been letting men run the system for too long, and considering how wimpy men have become about taking any initiative to form healthy relationships, I think that is a huge mistake.

Call your state representatives and demand reform.

Truly,
Nona

💘 

Feel free to add your own requests for advice in the comments below. 

Sky Rockets in Flight

4th of July stream of consciousness mantra 

[to be read aloud to your cats when they get spooked by the fireworks and jump in the carton of ice cream you are consuming, alone]

Today we celebrate freedom.

We have lots of freedom, but not the freedom to infringe upon the freedom of others. That means you can't make a man love you against his will. Voodoo is unethical -- and un-American -- and restraining orders are obtainable, even on holidays in extreme circumstances.

But back to freedom...

Let freedom ring!!!

[sob, sob]

You see? You see? That's why I hate holidays!


They all conspire against single women.

"Let freedom Ring."

Ring?

Why couldn't they choose a different word?!! Yet another cruel holiday. Reminding me of my empty ring finger and the freedom I have... to be alone.

At least I don't have to share this ice cream.

What are you looking at, Whiskers? You know dairy gives you gas, and since you are going to be the only one in bed with me tonight, I must....

This is sad. Perhaps there are better 4th of July traditions we can focus on -- other than letting freedom... clang.

How about fireworks?

Well, shoot!

Not only was there no Afternoon Delight for me, but I get to spend the night in bed with a lactose-intolerant cat who has been double-dipping in my coping mechanism.

Valentines for the Busy Multitasker

Okay, gentlemen. Here's a pretty valentine that serves double-duty:

Print two copies.

Kill two birds with one stone: your sweetheart and your mistress.

(It's a figure of speech, folks. I'm not saying to murder anyone! That's not what this upcoming holiday is about... wait a minute, St. Valentine was beheaded, so perhaps I should rephrase this a bit: While that IS what this holiday is about, we don't talk about such things in our highly evolved society. Instead, we mass-produce drivel and tell everyone, "Love you! xoxo...")

All drivel, however, is not created equal.

This Valentine is better than most because it goes beyond the usual sappy puns and employs a more complex (and honest) drama--a heart-wrenching love triangle!

SHE WITH THE BLUE SASH

(feigning strength)

Winthrop, Winthrop! Look at me Winthrop! 

You say I'm your true Valentine, yet I see you 

gaze with deliberate intent upon the bustle 

of that golden gowned wench!

WINTHROP

Don't doubt my love just because I'm... 

(with groping eyes)

Wow! What was I saying? 

SHE WITH THE BLUE SASH

Winthrop!

WINTHROP

Cupid made me do it! 

I cannot go on. This seemingly innocent holiday greeting is drudging up too many issues for me...

What I Learned About Relationships from the Movies: The Theory of EVERYTHING

The Theory of Everything was a bit of a disappointment because it didn't really offer a theory for anything. 

I was hoping it would shed some light on why people who are falling in love always spin around in circles in grassy fields, precariously close to sheer cliffs, bodies of water, or rapidly advancing volcanic lava flows. 

I know the answer, of course, but I did want to see what a movie, claiming to be about the theory of EVERYTHING, might have to say about it -- especially since one of those holding-hands-and-spinning scenes was featured in the trailer. 

In the end, sometimes the best parts are spinning around in the trailer. 

My advice? 

Watch the trailer, then save your movie money for my book, which will at least include the theory of something.

What I Learned about ❤LOVE❤ from the Movies: "Silver Linings Playbook"

This is a tricky story. What is more romantic than two hurting people finding understanding in each other and working together in the fight for a better, more positive life? This is a story that says you don't have to have your shit perfect in order to find love. Nice stuff. IF it were true.

Some writers are impractical. They write the world as they'd like to see it, rather than how it really is. They twist real laws to try to justify the illusions they create.

In this case they get their math all screwed up. Since everyone knows that "double negatives make a positive," they try to apply that law to stories in which:

DCP+DCP=SMFB (dysfunctional crazy person + dysfunctional crazy person = soul mates in functional bliss.)

That's just plain bad math. The idea of double negative doesn't apply to adding two negatives to each other. (-1)+(-1) will never be a positive.

That law speaks of a very different scenario. The doubling doesn't refer to two negative addends, but rather a negative function combined with a negative addend. 1-(-1)=a positive 2.  Applied to relationships this would mean subtracting, getting rid of, or just plain avoiding, the "negative" or undesirable" (unstable) person. ie. when instability is spotted in a potential partner, the only way to get a positive result is to flee ASAP!

This is helpful knowledge if you are a stable person, but what if you're the unstable one? Don't go falling for some silver lining myth and hitting up the local insane asylum for your dream soul mate. That doesn't work in reality.

The best thing, of course, would be to fix yourself so you become stable, normal, and mateable. But there are many of us for which that ideal is out of reach within the limitations of a lifetime. Does that mean we have to just say goodbye to love?

If that's our reality, it can be very freeing to live in fantasy land. The problem with that, however, is that if the other is not in on your fantasy games and calls you out on the delusions you're entertaining, the gig is up.

This is a major problem with an erroneous interpretation of the double negative rule in relationships: that equally screwed up guy or gal understands screwed up, recognizes it too easily, and with an ounce of common sense, he or she will retreat from such imminent disaster . That's wisdom born of pain. Crazy people stand less of a chance romantically with other crazy people than they do with "normal", healthy people because crazy people have better crazy detectors than normal people.  They will run.

Our best hope is fooling a sane person into thinking we are sane.
Sure, it won't last, but it's a good feeling to share the illusion of love, if only for a season. It will end, but there are more gullible fish in the sea. All you have to do is RINSE, and REPEAT.

Lesson learned: You're better off looking for the formula for love in shampoo commercials than in Hollywood movies, because advertisers have a better grasp of real world mathematics.

What I Learned about LOVE from the Movies: "While You Were Sleeping"

I'll admit that I'm an absolute sucker for a good romantic comedy like "While You Were Sleeping." It's not just a "story about love at second sight" -- try third, forth, fifth, and so on... I fall in love with Bill Pullman all over again every time I see this movie. It's like... It's like... the most potent form of self-injury imaginable. 

I bet you thought I was going to say something sweeter than that... I might have, but I'm helplessly honest. You get the truth here. Nobody likes to admit it, but we don't really watch these flicks because they make us feel good or hopeful or anything like that. We watch them because they remind us we're alive. I mean, what reminds you you're alive more than pain? And when I look at the Pullman/Bullock chemistry on screen in this fairy tale, I want what they have so badly my heart nearly explodes. Right before it sinks, deflated, right back into the clutches of reality. The emotional rollercoaster boosts adrenaline and we try to ignore the lows, just to briefly feel the highs.

I'm embarking on a series of reflections on Looking for Love Lessons in Cinematic Tutelage. Each post will deal with a different movie, and will extract the love lessons embedded in the story. (Speaking of which, I'd like to be embedded, but that's another story...)

Without further ado, here's what we can learn about dating and mating and love from the story, "While You Were Sleeping":

• If you're going to fall in love with someone who is not available, make sure he has a brother who is available and that you live in a climate in which wearing your deceased father's winter coat as a security blanket doesn't make you look like a bag lady on Venice Beach.
• If you ignore these details, you may wake up one day (from a heatstroke-induced coma) to his runaway dog licking your face and tugging at your tattered coat to get the crumbs from your pocket, as handsome Kens skip by hand-in-hand with their bikini-clad Barbies, not even noticing you are there.

In the Beginning: the Birth of a Non-Dating Guru

by

Nona Beaumont

            A few months ago, I gave up talking to men. Not that it had ever been a huge pastime of mine. Kind of like my habit of “giving up dieting for Lent,” or “giving up shopping,” when a closer examination would reveal the bank accounts are empty and the credit cards are maxed. Saying that we “give up” something, instead of that we “can’t have” something, creates the illusion of power, of choice. Having problems with delusion? Be strong, proactive, powerful: Choose illusion!

            My giving up talking to men did not happen by simple default. It was a very deliberate, and very specific, decision -- a choice I made the day my [male] therapist kicked me out of therapy. Ever since that day, I have had the best conversations with men. It has been so good that I decided to write this book to share my secret.

I guess I should start with the specifics -- defining terms is always important, and even more so in a world where everyone is lying. So, I’m going to try to shake off the delusion that is so common it’s like air. I’m going to be honest. And you are fortunate to have found this book, because just like everyone is breathing, everyone is lying to you (except me, of course).

You may ask, “Nona, how do you reconcile the fact that you say ‘I’ve given up talking to men,’ and then go on to also say that you now have the best conversations ever with men? That seems contradictory -- even crazy. Why should we listen to you?” Good questions. Now stop pretending you already know the answers and we just might get somewhere.

It’s really more about perspective. The fact that these conversations have for the most part been “imaginary” is incidental. Some people have real conversations with imaginary people. THAT is crazy. You see them shuffling around in twenty layers of clothing, kicking a can as they mumble to someone who isn’t there. What I do is the exact opposite, and therefore, I conclude, it is perfectly sane:

             I have imaginary conversations with real people. Doing so keeps your toes dipped in reality while not causing passers by to cross to the opposite side of the street for fear of tripping on your imaginary buddy’s imaginary knapsack; plus, it’s so much safer than having real conversations with real people -- they will only hurt you... like my therapist hurt me the day I gave up talking to men.

The above is an excerpt from the introduction to my introductory book. 

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